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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26716795">The one that got away</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tainamoniques/pseuds/Tainamoniques'>Tainamoniques</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>All For The Game - Nora Sakavic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Death, M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 07:42:14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,218</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26716795</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tainamoniques/pseuds/Tainamoniques</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Andrew and Neil loved each other for 3 years, until Neil leaves. Andrew spends 10 years trying to find him. For 10 years all he has is a fox tattoo and a notion that Neil Josten is an invention. That he doesn't exist. But that doesn't change the fact that Andrew loves him.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>23</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The one that got away</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Translation of my own text.</p>
<p>Link:<br/>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26020201</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Who would have thought that this was how I would hear from you?</p>
<p>It's ironic, don't you think? More than 10 years ago, Neil, and even today I was unable to understand why you left me. I believed you were happy, loving me the same way I loved you.</p>
<p>But I was apparently wrong. You were not happy.</p>
<p>We were only about 3 years old and 20-year-old Andrew believed that nothing in the world would come close to what it was like to have you. And I was right.</p>
<p>I have everything. I have career, fame and money. I have people in my life who tell me all the time that I'm good at what I do. But none of this pays off, because what I wanted most was you.</p>
<p>What I always wanted most was you.</p>
<p>You always said that we were just two teenagers, that we had a lot to live for before we could indulge in love ... I really hoped this wasn't serious.</p>
<p>We were 18. School was over and I was in a new city. I was about to enter university and there was that feeling that the world was at my feet. I could do anything. I was capable of anything.</p>
<p>Then you arrived, with that penetrating look of yours. To this day, I haven't found any shade of blue that is slightly like your eyes. Just as I couldn't find the exact shade of your hair. Nor does it describe the timbre of your voice.</p>
<p>When you arrived, it dominated my heart and made me freak out. I literally freaked out every time I saw you. How was it possible to feel it consuming my body and not being able to control it? To be honest, I didn't want to control it. I was on fire and hoped it would never end. You were the fuel needed to make it last forever.</p>
<p>I still remember how absurdly hot that first summer was. We spent most of the nights lying on the terrace of the building where I lived, looking at the stars and hoping it would rain, because it would be really fun to have sex feeling the raindrops on our bodies.</p>
<p>Neil, you never let me know about you. He never talked about family, friends. It was like there was nothing in your life but me. I could have suspected it, but I respected it. You had trauma, and I didn't want anything to make you suffer. If only I knew ...</p>
<p>Do you realize how perfectly perfect you were? No, I know how redundant that sounds, but I don't care. You were never aware of how I saw you and that was something I always blamed myself for. I needed to make you see how much the world should love you. You deserved love, even if you never accepted it.</p>
<p>I was never able to say the three damn words. I convinced myself that you knew, and that talking was not necessary. Actions mean more, don't they? But now I wonder if I had said what I felt, if you would not have told me the truth and stayed with me - let me protect you. Damn it, Neil, I should have protected you. This is what we do with those we love.</p>
<p>On his 18th birthday, we went to that tattoo parlor and made a fox paw in our fists. You chose that damn drawing, and I knew you removed it right after you left me. At the time, you said that you needed something permanent, that would always remind you of what it was like to live so intensely that you understood that there really was something perfect in the world.</p>
<p>We were perfect.</p>
<p>Andrew and Neil.</p>
<p>I still have mine. I would never be able to erase the best part of my life. I was never even able to move on, imagine erasing the memory of those years when I felt most alive. In which I felt complete.</p>
<p>How many nights we spent kissing in the back seat of my car, eating ice cream, smoking. How many nights we spend making plans. Did you remember that?</p>
<p>Did you remember how we believed these plans were really going to be possible? Or maybe I just believed them.</p>
<p>Neil, I really thought that we would have a lifetime together, and that all of these plans would be possible. I didn't think there could be a version of the future where Andrew and Neil weren't together.</p>
<p>You were anxious in the days before you left me, and I couldn't understand why. Our apartment was the most precious place in the world. I was busy with college all the time and you never told me what you did all day outside the house, but that's okay, because when we were in our apartment, there was no world. It was just the two of us. I trusted that if there was danger, you would tell me. But you didn't speak. Why didn't you speak?</p>
<p>Had he spoken, wouldn't we be here now?</p>
<p>Would we be in our apartment, lying together? Watching a movie, or laughing until late at night as we tell you about our days? Would we say how much we love each other? Would we have children? Would we be married?</p>
<p>Why is my mind unable to think of the possibilities?</p>
<p>I miss that damn tiny apartment where we share a bed.</p>
<p>I still own that deplorable space. I stayed there for a few years, hoping that someday you would come home to me. So I couldn't take it anymore and left, but I keep it. Still waiting for your return.</p>
<p>Always waiting for your return. I wanted it so much.</p>
<p>I graduated, I became a public prosecutor. I used all the influence I could to try to find you, and the biggest surprise was when I found out that Neil Josten didn't exist. You were an invention.</p>
<p>I didn't hate him. Neil Josten was the most wonderful lie ever, because I loved her and she loved me.</p>
<p>But here I am. I'm facing the truth.</p>
<p>In the room next to me is Nathaniel Wesninski. I don't know that person, but I feel pain for what happened to him.</p>
<p>In all the plans I made, I always dreamed of meeting you and<br/>to say that my life was planned to get you back. I never imagined that I could lose you.</p>
<p>Losing you - that idea makes me want to laugh. How can I lose something that was never really mine? How can I lose a lie?</p>
<p>I shouldn't even be here, but you managed to find me. It makes me think that you loved me as much as I love you. Loved it. And I will definitely love forever.</p>
<p>Because it doesn't matter that you're not here anymore.</p>
<p>It doesn't matter that Neil Josten was a lie that lasted only 3 years. That, for me, will always be the biggest truth about you. And thanks for coming back to me. Tattooing my name on your arm is enough for all the words never said between us.</p>
<p>I love you, Neil. I'm sorry that it's over for you.</p>
<p>I will love you forever. As long as my heart beats, it will be yours.</p>
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